Ten Ways to Prevent an Affair

Some of the most indelible headlines in recent decades have referred to acts of infidelity. And while it’s easy to assign blame on age-old perceptions (“powerful men” and “predatory women”), the truth is that unfaithfulness is rarely a black-or-white issue. However, by examining the “why’s” on a deeper level, you may be able illuminate those grey areas in relationships that are often ignored—and improve yours in the process. Here are ten things to consider when you find yourself wondering if an affair might be imminent or ongoing.

1. Appreciation, not Apathy

Vowing “til death do us part” doesn’t mean relaxing until then when it comes to appreciating your spouse. That kind of complacency invites an apathy that slowly takes your bond for granted—and being taken for granted often leads to seeking value elsewhere. One of the smartest things a couple can do is to recognize that their relationship could end at any time. Internalizing this perspective cultivates an active gratitude, one that inspires a healthy urgency to show our loved one just how much we care. To help change your perspective, try asking yourself each morning: “Why do I value my spouse, and what one thing can I do today to show him or her?” It could be as simple as a spoken compliment, a short e-mail to let them know they are in your thoughts, or an impromptu dinner date for just the two of you. If you feel underappreciated, ask your spouse to do the same. Don’t go a single day without asserting your value to each other in some small way, and see what results.

2. It’s Never Just about the Sex

The media portrays men in particular as slaves to their libido, but most affairs are born out of a desire for emotional intimacy, not physical sensation. That said, the two have an interesting link. “Some [people] do not develop a deep emotional connection [when it comes to sex],” says Ronald Levant, EdD, a gender researcher. “So connection to intimacy may remain physical.” This is why when such people crave more intimacy, they may turn to sex to fulfill that craving. How can a husband or wife with a partner who is fearful of true intimacy help turn that partner into one who seeks it? It sounds simplistic, but try initiating sex. Being physically intimate can serve to open the other up emotionally and evolve the relationship into a dynamic where they are no longer so detached.

3. Have an Empathic Ear

While we may be used to saying whatever comes to mind with our best friends, we may feel more vulnerable sharing deeply personal thoughts and feelings with our spouses. Both wives and husbands can cultivate what Andrew Irwin-Smiler, a psychologist studying masculinity, calls “camaraderie.” For men in particular, camaraderie assures a man that his masculinity will not be compromised if he is emotional. But in either case, if you sense your partner wants to open up but fears he or she may be judged, try imitating camaraderie by stating you’d like to listen without bias. Then, really do that, no matter how tempting it is to react or give advice. Instead, ask follow-up questions. You might be surprised at the resulting closeness.

4. The Friendship Factor

“Sister time” is widely accepted among women, but for men, male friendship is often considered a distraction, unnecessary, even cause for jealousy. “We don’t talk to boys about relationships, so guys have a smaller vocabulary for those connections,” says Irwin-Smiler. But men do speak the same language. Couples can protect their relationships with each other by supporting same-sex friendships. Those friendships can expand the vocabulary we have for the primary bond in our lives by allowing us to share what we may at first feel uncomfortable sharing with the opposite sex.

5. Grow (Up) Together

Just because you’ve been with each other since your early twenties doesn’t mean you’ve both developed together—or at the same pace. In many cases of infidelity, couples “have not helped each other grow up,” says psychologist Sylvia Lafair. One easy way to mature with your partner is to make (and meet) goals together. Here’s an activity to try: Each New Year’s Eve, lay out index cards with relevant relationship categories, such as Finances, Travel, Professional, Intimacy. Whatever you both feel is mutually important. Create as many categories as you’d like, and on New Year’s Day allow each party to write his or her goals or objectives for that category. Include a card for goals each of you would like for the other. Don’t read the other’s until each index card has been addressed with one or more aspirations. Spend the remainder of the first day of the year reading what the other has proposed, and use the turn of the seasons four times a year to check on your progress. You’ll be surprised at how you internalize these priorities, subconsciously pursue them, and how the process engenders togetherness.

6. No Subject Should Be Out-of-Bounds

A chief temptation for either men or women is the confidant. Someone who really “gets us.” (This is often a delusion since the one who truly gets us is probably at home.) But the novelty of being able to discuss topics that cause marital tension is hard to resist. Avoid off-limit subjects in your relationship—and don’t be afraid to call your partner’s bluff by asking the tough questions: How do you feel about our sex life? What would you like in our marriage that you don’t already have? A relationship immune to tension is impossible, but tensions from topics that have become off-limits can be detrimental. Putting things back on the table goes a long way toward keeping each other as the confidant.

7. Talk Is Good, but Action Can Be Better

Of course, there’s a balance to be achieved here. Relief from a cycle of talking can be found in joyful activity. Sometimes substituting analysis with activity is a powerful reminder of unity, one that can reignite the reasons you chose each other. If you both love food, try registering for a couple’s cooking class in a type of cuisine neither one of you knows anything about. If you both love the outdoors, make a goal for a season in nature. You’ll both start at the same level and have to look to each other for guidance and support, which is a new way of connecting for both of you.

8. Reimagine, but Affirm Masculinity

Many of us—both men and women alike—possess an idea of what maleness is, the spectrum of which runs positive (brave) to negative (hostile). Just as women’s roles in society have changed, it’s important to recognize that men’s have as well. If you’re constantly knocking or teasing a guy for doing something “un-guylike,” he may search out someone who lets him be himself. Encourage his unconventional qualities, such as a passion for poetry or gardening. Such encouragement may eventually make him more unconventional in terms of intimacy, too. At the same time, don’t be afraid for reaffirming those qualities that are conventionally masculine. Men want to live up to those.

9. Do Not Fear Your Dark Sides

Pioneering psychiatrist Carl Jung believed delving into one’s shadow side—not fleeing from it, as we typically do—held great potential in helping people reach wholeness. This same idea can be applied to relationships. The shadow sides of a partnership (i.e., the areas we avoid going to in order to stay in our “happy” place) are often what will push a spouse to seek a corrective outside it. Ask yourself where you and your spouse are most at odds. Next, identify those qualities that define the polarization, noting the ones that cause you the most resentment. (Often, these are the same qualities we need to cultivate in ourselves.) In addressing those, you begin to balance yourself, freeing your partner from doing so and eliminating the dependencies that hinder a marriage’s wholeness.

10. Absence Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder

Sometimes, the best strategy to ward off a wandering eye is to give your partner the opportunity to miss you. So, go ahead: Take that yoga class or have a guys’ weekend, even if it means your partner is by him- or herself a couple of nights a week. As we all need to sample the occasional rarity to make life valuable, we may also better understand value when sampling a little competition—even if it’s just in terms of the time others spend with your significant other.